Thursday, July 19, 2012

Close my Eyes

I can't keep my eyes open anymore
Sleep sleep you deny me
Tease me
As I lay on my pillow
I am wide awake
once more.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

squinted eyes

woke up
stumbled to toilet
brushed my teeth
what day is it?

its 2:05 sunday afternoon
how did i get here

squinting eyes head to the kitchen
coffee cold, time was set for 8 am
squinting eyes continue to living room
cold leftover slice of pizza
was that mine?
cobwebs, shake em shake em
shake em
clear
how many bottles of vodka
was i on a tear?

adjusting to the light
eyes open wide
it's sunday at 2:05 pm
weekend winding down
fuck it
chillax
the day is mine

Saturday left behind.


Poets

i sat with some poets today
their words i was hearing, munching
defining and crunching
i swished them around like a fine wine
tasting their sweet poetry,
like vintage cabernet, smokey and fine.
i see the poets, the signs are there
dreamers alike, survivors all
their war of words they've had their fill
i see the young and the old
battling the same
bullshit of life
it's all a catchers game.

a poet is a poet
not merely a man of rhyme
a poet is a poet
who cries
laughs
and dies
with words on their minds

a poet is a poet
a poet is a courageous man
a poet is a poet
for not everyone can

take life
the troubles
evils
heartbreak
and fine tune it
and let it roll down their tongue
reliving moments syllable by tortured syllable

but a poet can
i try to be a poet
will i be your poet
can i be your poet
tonight?

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Sending you Strength

Strength formed
From all of us here
To help you get through
This nightmarish scare

Your family is buried
Deal or Alive
A community is praying for you
We will help you survive

Dr. Lynn Migdal's 2 daughter's and ex-husband are buried in their home in B.C. which was wiped away during the landslide on Thursday.  The rescue mission has been stopped due to the weather conditions.  There are no signs of the 3 people inside who were having breakfast at that time.

interruption hibernation

The sun came out
Woke me from my drowsy slumber
Out to face the rainshowers
Of this thundery summer.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Dream in Color Part III (The Color of Ice)

Ice Blue am I.

Icelets frozen on my wet hair


drops of water down my nose


The diamond glitters in the color of ice



Kindness - random from a stranger
A tattered blanket shields me


icicles.
drip. drip.




color of diamond.

Stillness
So clear

So cold



True


pure
blue.


Chill

Eerie Chill

The icy sound of Silence


Breath fog the ice


Dare you -
Ha,
Found you!


One Icy Kiss
Away you go! from Blue Heaven


The Glass World, the facade.


Stay in my cold
Rare
Bare, lips blue.





Defy I will
and be this chill
all I will see is

true.

You.





Piercing, flawless stone, priceless:
Thrive in the glassy silver





Here you are exposed

I can see you.

You.




In my Icy Blue
You cannot hide.




It is my empire

Color of Ice.
























Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Dream in Color [Part II: Shades of Fear]

A jolt woke me in the middle of the night,
And there stared my Rabbi, with an offering
The offering was a reward, an enticing one
He said, grab it, grab it - it's the best deal you'll ever get

Ah, I knew the Rabbi was right!
How can he not be, a Holy Man - is he not?
The previous morning I daydreamed,
Of redemption, a free ride to heaven

So heaven was offered, in this great reward
Sack-fulls of promises, of a beautiful kingdom come
Perhaps, oh maybe, fiery eons of atonement in hell first,
Alas then - glory, oh glorious rewards!


I woke up sheets drenched in sweat.

I smoked a cigarette and put on my sneakers.

And ran like hell.


I Dream in Color [Part I: Shades of Thunder]


I dream in color.

I dream in man.

I dream in ocean.

I dream in hell.

My years fade away
Still haunted by my past
I see the generation behind me
Barely surviving, will they last

The past haunts me.

Stay away, head in the sand
Yet abandon them I can't
Escaping from what was my reality
They are there now, lost; fending evil - no helping hand.

The future scares me.

Rabble rousing, finger pointing
Accusations left and right flying,
Attackers ignorant and cruel
It's themselves to whom they are lying.

The children need me.

The children need me.

My dreams they haunt me.

The color of thunder.







Sunday, May 9, 2010

Seconds of Life.

chills sliver
up and down
my naked legs
and bare arms

so much to say
thoughts run amok
twisted dreams
reality undone

voices of reason
echoes, echoes, echoes
not making sense
mathematics 101 failed

days of mother
days of saint patrick
days of new year
days of martin luther king

days of mourning
days of superstition
days of lying
days of dying

moments of sinning
moments of winning
moments of indulgence
moments of defiance

hours of waiting
hours of labor
hours of questions
hours of delay

minutes of silence
minutes of fear
minutes of dry-mouth
minutes of victory

so much, so much
too much
i shiver again
as i try to make sense

of the minutes,
moments and hours
the days
that make up my life.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Foxhole Prayers, part 3

[originally written 4/7/10 in conjunction with parts 1 & 2 - Posted 3.20.2012]

I don't like it here,


half burrowed...


Like those little furry creatures,


that I never seem to understand.


Why were they created,


people love them so much.


These homy little annoying holes,


they paw away at in the ground.


Up in New Windsor,


where the deer eat your freshly planted tomatoes.


and ruin all the sweat you put in,


the effort to make something so different work.


Damn those deers,


for eating what's dear.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Foxhole Prayers, part 2

The sound of the key turning in the front door

Listening, are you sure?

False alarm, it was something else...

Your mind working overtime

With your racing heartbeat as the soundtrack...

The anticipation

Fear, perhaps

Dreading the notion

The face-off.

For once that key turns,

all is exposed.

The lies

The truths

The festering feelings

The ocean divide has provided the passport

and the password

for freedom.

To dare utter

the painful sounds

of the true emotions,

That have been lying dormant

Under the doormat.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Foxhole Prayers, part 1

Haha!

From atop of the world

From atop of the pile of rubble

The glorious cackle of triumph

of invincibility

Risen have I,

Like the eagle,

Freed was I,

Like the dove...

Yes, yes, yes...

I have mastered life!

I am a glorious master

The chess game is my petty dalliance

The queen is my slave

The knight is my pawn...

For I am the king.

You are not the king.

You are nothing but a little thing

Your heart to be toyed with

Pawned to the highest bidder

of crap.

You really believed it this time, haven't you

You fell for it - you really did.

Oh,

woe is you, you mighty fool...

A heart is just a heart!

Haven't you learned?

Have I

the eagle

the dove

the queen

Not taught you nothing at all?

Silly man

Silly man!

Man, man

You are a puppet, I have forewarned.

Your heart is to be broken

Have you not yet learnt?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Do not attempt to put Humpty Dumpty

together again -

Because Silly Human,

he is going to fall!

He is going to fall

And break

again

and again.

And then again.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

pain to pleasure....???

When

How

Did her pain turn into a positive pleasure???

Her written words....

through years of trauma, drugs, pain, shelters, rehabs and psych units. She was buried within the dirt of society. The ruins of humanity entangled her in its web, with the black widow about to... make it all end.

The dirt that surrounded her, the drugs that controlled her, the pain, the guilt, the shame... that made her feel so at home and entrapped her mind... that there was her comfort.

The loves, the lives, the lies, that controlled her heartbeat... The poison in her blood coursing through it... till it flowed into the drainage of sewers...

Her art, graffittied scars on her body, her pain etched in her soul.

The forced upbringing, subjecting her to hate, anger and rage which rose to rebellious heights... causing her to search for freedom... in all the wrong places...

Ah, the pen... The notes and tattered notebooks now tossed into the bottom of a closet, which she cannot bear to open, as the cold sweat breaks out on her body when she dares glance at it...

Annonymously daring to allow the world to read her soul.

"Forget the past" she was advised... "let it go"... "repentance has freed you"... "you are not that anymore".... but she knew different.

She knows different. She knows the truth. The truth of growing up too fast, as a young child, choiceless and voiceless. The shattered home, hidden away as smiles and perfect images were portrayed. The pain she felt the ripping of hearts in her home... she carried inside her heart, as the anger and rage festered, as she swore she would never be that broke person - trapped into their society's demands and expectations.

But broken she was, fallen, shattered, dead... she fought, fought until the pain of winning the fight to freedom was more painfall that the fall itself.

She knows who she is...

Yet, she is an "inspiration"??? She is lost now, confused how that even happened... Dirty, scarred for life, alone forever inside, with a brick wall too painfull to break down, has opened others with encouragement???

The nightmares remind her that often enough... that she doesnt deserve the praise.

But YOU do...

Jaded for life... a dreamer forever...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Battle

Fatality
was expected.

Survival
was unanticipated.

Life
was supposed to cease.

Demise
was the guaranteed end.

Where is she now?

Ahhh, a safe warm world.
Yet, her insides rattle
shiver with cold.

The truth cannot escape
The filth of youth
The rampage of horror
she flaunted.

Haunted and broken

Rotten and decrepit

Leftover filth

Crumbs of debris.

The facade of Gap,
Benetton and Saks,
Brooks Brothers and Dolce Gabbana
Art of Andy Warhol and Peter Maxx.

Memories of blood
Memories of love
Glorious days of oblivion
Glorious escape of veracity

who is she.

she is then.

she is now.

she is tomorrow.

she is never.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Listen to my cries.

A path I have taken
Maybe mistaken
No truths, many lies
I will understand
If you wont listen to my cries.

Massive destruction,
broken hearts I have left -
so dark
but if you wont forgive me
Who will release me
And give me a fresh start.

Peace - Inner and Out
Spiritual Healing
Take me in
Don't leave me out
Take me back
For I wont go if you change the locks

It's a long road I've taken
But don't be mistaken
I'll come home-
O'er mountains, rivers and rocks.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

My Wings.

Black Wings Pictures, Images and Photos
Strangling....

Held down...
Can't breathe.
Gasping, I moan from my depth...
And I hear the music.

The rhythm of the crashing waves
Beat to the tune of my heartbeat.
Deafening roar
My senses go numb.

I am flying...

Or am I dead.

I am an eagle. I think I can see it all. My wings spread, I soar through the magnificent sky. But am I really not blind? I try to take it all in, and make my flight count. But wings are only that strong. How far can my wings take me? And when will I fall? The ledge, the precipice is always an inch behind me.

Wherever I go, I see you. I see you all. You won't let me go. Or is it me? I bid farewell long, long ago, took my last bow - yet you are everywhere. I wish to remember, but I can only forget. Perhaps that is why I have a perpetual need to keep you right here. Here, where you can hurt me more. Where you can assault my senses of violent memories.

I am addicted. Addiction is the air I breathe. Then how am I alive? The only way I can forgive my dirty self is the penance of shedding my own blood. Ah, I'm a sinner.

All that slips away. As time goes on it all becomes a haunting memory of yesteryear. I am afraid to forget. I need to see the ugly truth now and always. If I do not remember the horror, the pain, the fear of it all - what will become of me? Will I still be me?

So dangerous to forget.

I am scared. Perhaps it has been the realization of stability which frightens me of how close I always am...

To having my wings gone.


Sunday, April 5, 2009

suicide by you

Broken Pictures, Images and Photos

crashing
come, come, come -
to a grinding halt.

expectations weakened
with deafening desire
to make it stop.

rolling thunder
pounding heartbeat
EKG line
flat.

my friend is dead.

merciless,
pleas falling on deaf ears
ended it.

how, how, why
motive, desire, need
driving forces.

love, abandoned on the side of the road
cruel laughter echoing in the distance
as he glides farther and farther away.

in oblivion,
while here
obligingly kind
when gone.

he took his own life.
nobody's home.

wishes
to rest in peace
when havoc
was caused

Death Pictures, Images and Photos

Sunday, January 4, 2009

WHY

Photobucket
Why do people cry,
you ask me?
Why is there sorrow,
all around me?
Why cant I understand?

Oh, tell me why
Is there such pain
Why is it
Always there again?
Emotional bleeding,
leaving brutal scars
Painful memories
The trauma won't mar

Tell me dear,
Is there a better tomorrow?
With a promise, of no more sorrow?
A life with joy, dazzling sunrises
Of candied apples and pumpkin prizes.
Golden children, hand in hand
Racing home happily, playdates and dinner planned.
A smiling mom, a glowing dad
Is it possible
Never again to be sad.

Why do children cry
Why do doors bang shut
Why do parent's leave
Why must we always grieve
Photobucket

Saturday, January 3, 2009

... and I'm different??????

Photobucket

you look at me with derision
mock my life decision
judging me, you know better
i am lost, you are clever
i am different,
i am wrong,
i whistle a different tune
i sing another song
i dance to another beat
i dont cross your street.


i am different.


i shame you with my style
you see me, you walk a mile
you talk behind my back
my actions you attack.
i hurt you, i brought you shame
i am the one to blame
because i am not the same.


i am different.


you said jump, i didnt ask how high
you spoke, i asked why
you preached, i taught myself
you hid, i found the book on a dusty shelf.
you pretended, i came outright
you hid behind your garb, i carried my pride
while you laughed, i cried.


i am different.

you pretended,
i saw the truth
it all ended.


i choose to be different.


i pave my way
i carve my destiny
i choose my surroundings
you are my history.

you laugh because i'm different.
i laugh because you are all the same.

Photobucket

SEARCHING

Searching
Lost and alone
Dazed and confused
Mania prone
Bundled up and used.
Cold trickles in
Soaked to the bone
A little bit of warmth
Searching, to find no-one.
A heart, a soul
given up, broken apart
Clouded mind
Where does one start?
Its a tough world
Barely any friendly faces
Miracle to be alive
Just by Gods graces.

A Loss of Trust

TRUST
Taken away
YOU
I thought I felt safe
Don't plead
And whine
And beg
And cry
Its what you need
You can't get by
Lies, truths,
Pacing, bracing
Hearts a rushing
Trust betraying
Once again.
Tell me when
It will be real
Life you hurt
True you feel
trust

Where Lost Souls Come Out to Play

Up on the roof

a world away

As you head upward

A promise to better your day.

To breathe fresh air,

a treasure so rare,

As we wallow in here,

battling shame and fear.

Clearing your lungs,

as the music beats,

Is there more to life than the streets?


A teesket, a tasket

Shooting some baskets

Camaraderie, so playful

Whoops and shouts, so joyful

Like childhood, all over again

The days of innocence, can you remember them?

Youthful hearts, trapped for years

Emerging again, for reasons so clear...


Up on the roof

A world away

Where all the lost souls

Come out to play

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Humpty Dumpty

I am so jaded, and overwhelmed by so many things in life - harsh, cruel, realism - that I can barely get my head together to write a decent peice.... It's all up here, in this brick of a head of mine...

So much has been going on, so much real shit - stuff that is life or death. No "ands" - just "or's".

I see people I love desecrate their life wanting an end. It is painful to watch - is it my own behavior haunting me. Things are fine, we all function well - however the underlying heartbeat of daily existence falters.

As I grow older (seemingly too fast), the mundane slowly drifts into oblivion, and I cannot identify the frivolous as something to acknowledge. Is this what happens? A slow painful death as one peaks to adulthood?

It is not my pain, it is your pain - causing me tremendous pain. Funny, my own experience of excrutiating memories seemed to have begun to fade, and wounds are freshly re-opened. Suddenly I see, with a different shade of lens a new aspect of life. The days of sweet surrender are gone. The counting of months of sobriety seems to lose its fervor as I begin to count for people I love. I hold my breath every day as I count each moment for them. As I count each prayer for them to hold on and stay alive. To hold on until their fingernails bleed and realize that the pain from that is not as consequental as the seemingly easier way out.

I dont want children to be orphans. I'm tired of talking about people who were living and laughing with me and are now gone, gone to the heavens. I'm drained as I embrace life with a new love. I tremble as I realize what I had to see and feel and know before I thought like that. I fear for you; down on my knees, screaming inside, hoping you don't have to do the same. See the ugliness in life before you surrender and allow yourself a chance.

All that remains are shattered peices of fragile glass not to be stepped on. The peices that can never be un-broken. Has Humpty Dumpty not taught us a bitter lesson?

Monday, May 26, 2008

Free Dove Leaving "The Life" Behind

Photobucket
I can remember a time when I was gone
I can remember a time when I was alone
The sun would still shine
The stars would still twinkle
And I swore freedom would one day be mine

I can remember a time when I shed all those tears
I can remember a time when death I did not fear
My hand always cold
My dreams always sad
And I swore I would never get old

I can remember a time in my city lights
My urban teardrops, of tarnished blood
In my big city, where I would lay my head
In the burning inferno, trapped in my heart

Fallen angels
Devil's doomed fear
Chest clenching terror
Melancholy despair
The fires burned out
Ashes remain
The sound of music's gone
Missed the last refrain

Gone with the wind
Gone with the rain
Return with love
Return free dove
Dove
Thunderous drum rolls
Lightning sparkles
Roaring through the darkness
Comes the sounds
Of crashing and burning evils
Dissolved
In the choir
Of the child's melody
The violin strings
Rose petaled rivers

Wings emerge
Spread, spread, spread and lift
Lift, emerge and fly
Don't look back, don't question why
Emerge new, pearly dew drops rain
Cleansed, free and new
Gone, be gone pain...
Dove

Sunlit valley
Of what once was death
Clarity on the battlefield
Now won, and unchained
Lily sprigs in the breeze
Capture the breathe
Of a non-shackled soul
That swore it would never get old.

Gone with the wind
Gone with the rain
Return with love
Return free dove
Photobucket




Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Broken Teenage Soul

chains hands



Eighteen years old
With trouble worth the weight of gold
To the devil your soul was sold
You just wanted to escape the fold.

Tormented you lied,
Broken, you cried
You carry your bullshit pride
I know you - you, deep inside.

What happens now,

Will you wander the street,
Will you have what to eat,
And when you get beat,
Sleeping on a subway seat.

Eighteen year old,
Dangerous turf, ah - you're so bold
You're not breaking the mold
This story has gotten so old.

Child, little broken boy you are
Can you save yourself, and be who you are
Do you know the value of life, dont you thirst
Or do you need to die, do you need to die first.

Eighteen year old,
Reclaim your soul.


broken wings

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Red Breasted Robin

the red breasted robin

stared me down.

fearful of me he wasnt

he saw it all.

the brick walls

he peckered at

as if i was feed.

they collapsed.

red breasted robin

warbled at my pain

mimicked my cries.

save me

save me

dont mock me.

the red breasted robin

stared me down.

it fell apart

all of it.

i fought not to let go

but it nicked

and scratched

and clawed

and made me naked.

bare

exposing

my red breasts.


Emo,Wings

Monday, April 7, 2008

Jaded Dreamer: You Are Gone... (a sad song for yoely)

Jaded Dreamer: You Are Gone... (a sad song for yoely)

You Are Gone... (a sad song for yoely)

candles of love  
where can i begin
did you die for my sins
was your soul taken away
for the actions of my days?   

fallen angel 2
you just floated out of the window
you just floated up to the sky to heaven
you left behind whispers and tears
you left behind love and care  

you lived life more than i know
you loved life more than i ever can
you hid your pain, and always smiled
the devil has taken you, taken you so wild
Candle
you were my confidante
my friend, you let me in - the true you i could see
my adopted family
like a brother, you always saw through me

your inspiration
your motivation
your open heart
a loving invitation

you always smiled
when you left us how we cried
when you made it all end
and left us alone... with a gaping hole in our lives.

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
yet you arise from the fire
an eagle from the pyre...

why, oh why
did you leave us
we wont let you go
i wont ever let you go
Tears
you will always remain
more of my pain
help me find salvation
and guide me from heaven

my broken heart
cannot take much more
yet you abandoned me
and broke open the door

why did they take you
will you ever come back
will you keep me safe and sane
cuz in my heart you will always remain

you came into my life
only one year ago
you rescued part of my soul
and you only know

we shared the same dreams
dreams of salvation and arts
dreams of music and hope
dreams of healing our broken hearts

i am crumbling inside
a gaping hole, an endless abyss
free falling, your memory
is like the deadly serpents kiss
MISSING YOU
I like walking in the rain, <span class=
one week from today
i get a special time to pray
please watch over me, guard me
as i cry, connect with me

hold my hand
as i walk down the aisle
and through my tears
all i will see is your smile....

in loving memory of you, Yoely...
my friend, my family, my confidante and my writing critic.
r.i.p

<span class=
 CandlelightSerenity Prayer

Friday, February 29, 2008

Fly

heaven

fly
fly
fly away with me

hold my hand
see what i don't see
guide me to the light
help me be me

join me in my misery
make it disappear
feel the hurt in me
my trapped lions lair

save my morbid soul
take me to your place
hold me in your arms
caress my darling face

lead me to your nirvana
take me to your heaven, please
your garden of eden
to share with your peace

 

Photobucket

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Forgive...

Please Please Forgive Me

Forgive....

My past
haunts
devours
the inside of my bare soul.
Seems all I was ever
capable of
was hurting you
the only one
who gave a damn....

i cant sleep
i drag my feet
the consequences of my actions
wont let me be...

everything I ever touched
was poisened
by me
by my actions...

i am haunted
i am punished
i am still alone

yet I beg for forgiveness
selfish am i
if forgiveness
i wont grant myself...

vowing silence
i swore
i would never hurt again...
hence
an oath of loneliness
i implanted within myself
fearing the pain
i would spread unto you
again
as i have done
to you
to me
like a goddamn disease
that wont go away.

yet love comes
knocking on my door
threatening;
breaking down the walls
that i have built.
i want to love
that love that's so strong
the bond that holds us together...

you love me so much
as i do you
i promise to
never let go of the chain
that shackles us
with joy

but can i?

can i ask for your forgiveness?
can i ask myself for forgiveness?
i wronged you
i wronged me.

forgive me