Sunday, December 2, 2007

Snow Day

I woke up today with remnants of last night's haunting dream still tingling on my forearms. Stumbling to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face, I once again banged my elbow right in the same damn place I do every morning. Groggy, I washed, brushed, and towel dried without even knowing what time it was.

I realized this was it. When did I stop waking up? When did my sleep turn into a medicated induced six hour coma that was either interrupted by noise (i.e., ringing alarm clocks, t.v.'s and phones) or by fear; frightful flashbacks or surreal monsters? When was the time in my life that I was robbed of also this - waking up languidly, stretching, yawning, rested?

I am a robotic machine. My body and mind are run by anything but nature. To eat, sleep, feel, any function at all, my body needs induction. I have become inhumane. My memories are a haze, faded and broken. My thoughts are broken. My words sometimes incoherent. Yet, I live.

I breathe.

Am I that different than the person laying in a hospital room, intubated and bound to an electric heart?

To wake up, every electrical gadget barely does its job. Before I can possibly utter a word

of communication I must take a little blue pill that will prevent me from falling into muted frenzy of fear to talk. To think, I need to turn on a television set to know what will or will not be politically right for today, this week or year.

Laxatives, uppers, downers, anti-anxiety, pro-socializers, anti-isolators, sleeping pills, iboprofen, Emails, voice-mails, prozac, Ipod's, credit cards, electrical bills, newspapers and metro-cards.

All crossing my mind while brushing my teeth with Crest's finest vivid white.

I dragged myself to the kitchen to put some water in the microwave for a diet protein shake with a heavy dose of coffee. I glanced out the window.

The Brooklyn alleyway behind my apartment building was all white. Snow.

First snow day of 2007 winter season. For today I can see it. For now I can smell it. Induced, perhaps... But I can still see.

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