Sunday, July 20, 2008

Humpty Dumpty

I am so jaded, and overwhelmed by so many things in life - harsh, cruel, realism - that I can barely get my head together to write a decent peice.... It's all up here, in this brick of a head of mine...

So much has been going on, so much real shit - stuff that is life or death. No "ands" - just "or's".

I see people I love desecrate their life wanting an end. It is painful to watch - is it my own behavior haunting me. Things are fine, we all function well - however the underlying heartbeat of daily existence falters.

As I grow older (seemingly too fast), the mundane slowly drifts into oblivion, and I cannot identify the frivolous as something to acknowledge. Is this what happens? A slow painful death as one peaks to adulthood?

It is not my pain, it is your pain - causing me tremendous pain. Funny, my own experience of excrutiating memories seemed to have begun to fade, and wounds are freshly re-opened. Suddenly I see, with a different shade of lens a new aspect of life. The days of sweet surrender are gone. The counting of months of sobriety seems to lose its fervor as I begin to count for people I love. I hold my breath every day as I count each moment for them. As I count each prayer for them to hold on and stay alive. To hold on until their fingernails bleed and realize that the pain from that is not as consequental as the seemingly easier way out.

I dont want children to be orphans. I'm tired of talking about people who were living and laughing with me and are now gone, gone to the heavens. I'm drained as I embrace life with a new love. I tremble as I realize what I had to see and feel and know before I thought like that. I fear for you; down on my knees, screaming inside, hoping you don't have to do the same. See the ugliness in life before you surrender and allow yourself a chance.

All that remains are shattered peices of fragile glass not to be stepped on. The peices that can never be un-broken. Has Humpty Dumpty not taught us a bitter lesson?


  1. I thought you could use a good (HUG)... nice writing as always.

  2. But girlfriend, never lose sight of counting your own days first..... everything else is beyond your control..... Love you.

  3. Beautiful comment. You are the most important person to say sober for. The walls around you were put there for a reason. They will crumble on their own when the reasons are known and healed. You didn't cause anyone's pain, so you certainly cannot control it. Only the love in your heart for YOU is always truly within your reach.You have a beautiful soul, but don't let it fly away over the Soul's of others. That's for God to take care of.

  4. JD--
    How i have missed you!! seems times are rough for you. me too. i have to easy words to lift you up. just know i am here, waiting for your words to flow again and feel the pain as you let it out.

  5. Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your kind words. You expressed beautifully the depth and truthfullness of radical acceptance... One can only do so much, however much feelings prevail.

    Dear Dupree,
    Sorry to hear about your rough patch... Seems like only writing can make sense of utter chaos anymore... And thats only when there is a brief reprieve of that chaos when words can be clearly expressed.

    Hope things get better for you...


  6. Darlin Jaded Dreamer,

    I know it seems we get old fast, shit!! where have all these years gone???????????
    But the slow painful death begins way before adulthood, actually it starts from the minute we are born, we are just not aware of it right away…

    I definitely think you should continue counting The months of sobriety; doesn’t it give you strength to keep it up?

    How painful it is to watch the ones you love going threw (hopefully not staying there) these times, knowing you care about their lives more then they care about their own…

    You are a strong but so fragile woman.

  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. Dear Annonymous -

    thanks for the blatant (and mocking) disrespect. i have deleted your comment. your expression makes it clear of "who" you are and where you belong.

    when will YOU PEOPLE (yes, i dared say it!!!) learn to respect and maintain any sort of decorum, such as people's privacy and acknowledge their creative talents.

    take it outside...


  9. Just saw your web site here in uman. You are very special!
    I wish you well.
    (I write on Shabat because of the Rema about letters that are not Ashurit)

  10. What I have to say is very crass but, it is the type of knowledgable advice that is a privilege to hear. At first it will come off as callous, but then it will grow in your mind, so that you can see the compassion that came from the person imparting these words that lead to freedom. It may take years, but you will see, this statement has a very deep meaning.

    "Steer clear of the dogshit on the sidewalk, and whatever you do, if you step in some, do what you can to get it off of your shoe and go on."

    Revisiting the shit is never a good idea. You only smear it on yourself, immerse yourself in the smell, when all that is logical is to get the shit off, and get away from it. We all do this from time to time, but we all must strive to cleanse ourselves of the past, the shit.

    My advice may be worth what you paid for it, though it may also be worth ever so much more. It doesn't matter if the advice giver, in this case, is weak, and a failure. As the saying goes "even a blind rooster finds a piece of corn once in awhile"

    Be thankful for what you have in this life. Many in this world are never given the chance to grow up, are starving, are sleeping outdoors, are suffering in so many ways.

    There are always those who are better off than us, but there are far more who are doing much worse.

    These are reasons to stay sober, these are reasons to endure the inevitable emotional hardships that come our way.

    Make happiness in an unhappy world. Reach out and make a difference in some way that brings you happiness. The most anyone can hope for is to affect this world, someones life, in a way that brings warmth, joy, happiness, and leaves traces of their existence.

    For many, life is about taking, accumulation, having more than the other guy. In the end though, what does it all add up to?

    Living an honest, good, and fulfilling life, and enjoying the fruits of our labors is ever so much more important than being on top of the world. People who bring good to this world may never be properly honored for what they have done, but thanks to their selflessness, many have enjoyed things that they would never had the chance to experience. Meaning something to others in this life, whether you help someone cross the street, or whether you're Louis Pasteur, that is what making a difference is all about. And that is where life can find meaning.

    By all means, do the best that you can with what you can. Accumulate wealth and things, but leave time for life to have meaning as well.