Saturday, August 8, 2009

pain to pleasure....???

When

How

Did her pain turn into a positive pleasure???

Her written words....

through years of trauma, drugs, pain, shelters, rehabs and psych units. She was buried within the dirt of society. The ruins of humanity entangled her in its web, with the black widow about to... make it all end.

The dirt that surrounded her, the drugs that controlled her, the pain, the guilt, the shame... that made her feel so at home and entrapped her mind... that there was her comfort.

The loves, the lives, the lies, that controlled her heartbeat... The poison in her blood coursing through it... till it flowed into the drainage of sewers...

Her art, graffittied scars on her body, her pain etched in her soul.

The forced upbringing, subjecting her to hate, anger and rage which rose to rebellious heights... causing her to search for freedom... in all the wrong places...

Ah, the pen... The notes and tattered notebooks now tossed into the bottom of a closet, which she cannot bear to open, as the cold sweat breaks out on her body when she dares glance at it...

Annonymously daring to allow the world to read her soul.

"Forget the past" she was advised... "let it go"... "repentance has freed you"... "you are not that anymore".... but she knew different.

She knows different. She knows the truth. The truth of growing up too fast, as a young child, choiceless and voiceless. The shattered home, hidden away as smiles and perfect images were portrayed. The pain she felt the ripping of hearts in her home... she carried inside her heart, as the anger and rage festered, as she swore she would never be that broke person - trapped into their society's demands and expectations.

But broken she was, fallen, shattered, dead... she fought, fought until the pain of winning the fight to freedom was more painfall that the fall itself.

She knows who she is...

Yet, she is an "inspiration"??? She is lost now, confused how that even happened... Dirty, scarred for life, alone forever inside, with a brick wall too painfull to break down, has opened others with encouragement???

The nightmares remind her that often enough... that she doesnt deserve the praise.

But YOU do...

Jaded for life... a dreamer forever...

3 comments:

  1. I like your poems, you never seem to have a lack of emotion and that emotion comes across perfectly in your words and really draws me in!

    "The loves, the lives, the lies, that controlled her heartbeat... The poison in her blood coursing through it... till it flowed into the drainage of sewers...

    Her art, graffittied scars on her body, her pain etched in her soul."

    Those lines as so captivating, I love it!

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  2. wow F&L soul, my heart goes out to all these jaded souls, you truly put their thoughts and dreams into words, like no one else can...

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  3. wow f&l soul i can feel the pain in her life the longer of the dream it was beautiful i loved it

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